Giving and Releasing

One of my Spiritual Life Coaching Clients today and I had a powerful - tear filled - conversation about healing from unhealthy relationships. She had poured herself into an unhealthy relationship - giving and giving, and he has been unable to reciprocate in the way she deserves and that is healthy. She kept asking why she was doing this. As is the case in so many people in unhealthy relationships, she blamed herself, citing the different ways that she should have known better. She knew the "why" was not as important as the "what now", but even so, we kept circling the "why" like hawks. Eventually, we came to some ideas she had about God - what I refer to as her subconscious theology, and about love.

We should never underestimate the importance of our sub/unconscious theology - and our ideas about love, and what it means to be "good."

Perhaps one of the compelling dynamics of many faith traditions and spiritual paths is the emphasis they put on pure service. Give - truly give to another person - and you will enter into a moment of grace where you disappear, a kind of bliss where self and other merge and some of the deepest communion is possible. I have seen this in devotees in various Hindu traditions in India, from men who volunteer their time to society to women who cook hours and hours and then watch you eat, completely dedicated to how you experience the taste of the food. This service is deep in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. He gave of himself utterly, emptying himself of himself, accepting the pain of the world, the betrayal of his friends, the illusion of his fellows, and from that gift of life, from that sacrifice, came a new life. To give selflessly is one of the most beautiful expressions of human existence.

And yet. And yet there are moments when we give in ways that are unhealthy for us, when we give and give and nothing comes back to us. We sacrifice - for nothing. There is only suffering; the love is not returned. Our bodies flail to the ground and do not rise. That is not true sacrifice, of course. True sacrifice is to give something (a goat, in the Old Testament) in order to receive something greater (i.e. God's favor). You give the best you have to God - and God gives you far more than you can ever give Her.

Ideally, martyrdom is about being lifted up by God. It is not about hate. Or fear. Or worthless sacrifice. It is about love.

I find that a powerful question to help guide us through the tricky concerns of self-less giving versus letting ourselves be walked over, thrown away and abused has to do with what are we really giving to, and what are we giving away? Jesus never gave away his own agency. He never gave away his ability to make his own decisions: his sovereignty. He never gave away his self-worth, his dignity, his connection to His Father. And he was clear who he was serving: not Caesar, not the temple he grew up in, not the Empire. He acted from love - not fear. This is part of what is so compelling about Jesus. It is part of why non-violence "works": because it comes from a place of love. And love is strong. Love does not accept abuse.

Womanist (black women) theologians have for many years now called our attention to the mis-understanding of Jesus' sacrifice. As Karen Baker Fletcher writes in her book, Dancing with God, " Accompanied by the risen Christ, in the power of the Holy Spirit, men, women and children are to overcome suffering and evil. They are not to return to situations of suffering and bondage.... to live in freedom from abuse, suffering, and bondage."

It is for us to live, and live abundantly.

The process of coming into faithfulness is, in part, a process of coming to be able to discern what/who are we giving to. Part of the hard part of not staying in bad patterns - and relationships are only one of many! - is the depth of these patterns; there are physical dimensions to them. Daily spiritual practices, from running to yoga to daily prayer and meditation, can help tremendously in breaking the pattern itself; a certain depth of listening and care of oneself can help come into a more fulfilling experience of love.